Facing the Holidays as an Eating Disorder Survivor

I'll never forget that first Thanksgiving after I had spiraled into the dark hole of Bulimia.  I was 17 years old and my family was hosting Thanksgiving for my large extended family.  We had some out of town family members staying with us so my mom had brought home Costco muffins. Have you had Costco muffins before?  They are ginormous and less like a muffin and more like cake.  Seriously, they are so big and so cake like.  For a 17 year old with an eating disorder, they were Satan himself to me.  

I don't remember how many of those ginormous cake-muffins I ate that morning but I ran to play flag football with my friends anyway... I rarely purged by vomiting but usually chose to torture myself with hours upon hours of exercise and restriction all while feeling like dying because I had binged on all the things.   While playing football that morning, I was closed lined and my nose hurt like a mother.  I was sure it was broken.  So there I was, sure that everyone could see the 8,000 calories of muffin-cake I had eaten and my nose was swollen.  

I hid in the bathroom, my mom outside the locked door trying to lure me out.  I honestly don't remember how she convinced me or what happened the rest of the day.  I'm sure I struggled to maintain conversations and felt tortured by the excess food.  You see, food controlled me.  More than once, I considered ending my life because I felt like I was doomed to a life of Bulimia, depression, cutting... 

Fast forward 13 years.  I say I'm "recovered" but the truth is, I'm actually still "recovering" and always will be.  For me, my eating disorder was like an addiction...it is something that I continue to guard myself against.  That means catching myself when I'm going down that dark path and CHOOSING every single day to not allow myself to be engulfed by it again.

So, the holidays...well, for someone who has or has had an eating disorder, they can be really freakin' hard.  Although I have completely changed my relationship with food and my body, I still get anxious and stressed about the food. I still feel the shame gremlins sneak up on me if I go back for seconds.  Until this year, I have felt like it was just something I needed to "get through" each year.  Suck it up, cook all the vegan food, eat all the vegan food, drink all the wine...

Here's the thing though.  I don't want to "get through it."  And while this might change next year or in 10 years,  this year, I'm not doing it.  I'm choosing to reclaim Thanksgiving for myself and my boys.  No more overwhelm.  No more glutenous, shame filled, obligatory gatherings that leave me feeling depleted.  This year, we're opting out.  I've reserved a mountain yurt for our little family of 4.  We'll play games, eat simple but delicious foods in a healthy dose, and snuggle under the full moon.  We'll thank our lucky stars for all the abundance in our lives and for each other.  

What do you do for Thanksgiving?  How do you cope with the excess of food?